Something I don't understand.

Why do people think there is a requirment to be a certain age so you can love? You arn't supposed to control who you love. Love knows no age. I wish it did, no doubt, but it doesn't. The misconception with teenage love is that most relationships are not based on love but lust. Everyone knows we're all developing, and we're having hormonal issues, but just because you get the goosbumps when you see (eneter name here) doesn't mean you're in love.

Good love is so much different then say... Unhealthy love. Which is what most high school relationships are based on. It's when one or both partners are looking at the relationship selfishly and not interested in the other spouses well being. I believe good or healthy love is completely selfless and full of forgivness. And it just so happens that love shouldn't be about the physical aspect...shocking.

I personally want to be so in love that I could go years without seeing that someone and still anticipate their return. I would rather not kiss anyone till I had a husband than to kiss a bunch of people to find the one. He's out there. So just a little advice. You don't have to break your heart throughout growing up to find out what love is. You already have all you need anyway.


Thank you Jesus for giving me stimulating conversations that inspire me to write. You are awesome.

Insecurities.

I think this is Satans way of bringing me down after a happy high. I have all this insight that I want to bring into my life but lately I just miss people. I miss being missed. I miss having certain people to call my bests. I hate this. Why does today hurt so much.

Let Your Glory Fall.

The song I'm listening to over and over again for the past couple days is surprisingly not off the record of Deja Entendu. (Which is kind of a miracle.) If you do not know what Deja Entendu is... shame on you. Probably the best record I will ever own. Anyway. I have been listening to Hillsong's "You'll Come," by Brooke Frasier.



"I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord."

I am so weak in myself and so breakable. When I put my heart into the hands of sin ridden humans, what else can I expect but to have it be carelessly tossed aside as I have carelessly lent it away. God said to guard our hearts and everyday I find new ways to protect mine. I don't want to put all my hopes and dreams in the hands of people. As much as I love the people I am blessed to have in my life, my happiness will not rest in them. But, as I reread that... How can my heart not break when a friend steers away from the path? How can my heart not burst into the highest of melodies when a friend has found the light? How can I not put my heart into the world and let them break it as Jesus did? If I want to guard my heart but let others lean on it, how do I find that balance? I think the only balance in this destruction is Jesus and that all I have in my heart will glorify Him when I use it to do His will. So to guard my heart I will keep a fraction for myself and share the rest with those in need? I think that's the best I can hope to do. I've never been good at the whole keeping my heart to myself anyway.



"As surely as the sun will rise. You'll come to us. Certain as the dawn appears."

How amazing is the day that the end of the world will come. As depressing as that sounds, it's not depressing at all. God gave us this life so that we could live. And death came to the earth as a result of our defiance. In some ways death is an awful thing. When you look into the eyes of their loved ones and can not tell them for sure where they are seated. It is a sad thing to say goodbye without the knowledge if you'll see them again. But death can also be the breaking point in a revolution. It can be a symbol to carry on through struggles. I think that death is under glorified in a way. Because after all, those who are blessed to know Him will be in a much brighter place. I think all we can hope for is to take as many with us as possible. We'll come to You.



"You'll come, let Your glory fall as You respond to us. Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again. You'll come, You'll come."

I want to be flooded over with Love. I want to breathe it into my lungs and crave it evermore. I love this kind of Love. There is no comparison.



"Chains be broken. Lives be healed. Eyes be opened. Christ is revealed."

I hope I live to see every knee bow down. Every mouth proclaim who is Lord. How blessed is the last day on Earth.



Today was a great day. I spent this morning with my family and then headed over to my new family's house for hopefully what is to become a new tradition. My family is all musical and so in Love with God it's mind blowing. I feel inspired just being around these people. I want to end on a thought.

How important is every "small decision" in our lives. I don't think there are any. I found a Gibbard editorial in one of my old Paste Magazines and found these quotes mind boggling.

"I find myself obsessed with alternate paths I could’ve taken. I don’t think about this with a sense of regret, but with a sense of wonder... But for every one of those scenarios where I think things happen for a reason, I find myself regretting decisions that I never really had." -Ben Gibbard.

My Heart Abandoned.

I don't know why I get inspired so late in the night. I usually just spend all the time after dark finding new bands and/or blogging. Which I haven't been doing a whole lot of... sorry.

Okay. Here it goes.
I love Christmas time. I get, if possible, more jolly than ever. I can't stop smiling. I can't stop thanking God for all that He's blessed me with. Even if things are going wrong this time of my year, I can never get so upset that it ruins the whole Christmas atmosphere. This Christmas I was feeling more anticipation than ever. I could feel it with every bone in my body. Talking about it would get me a riled up. Then today (Christmas Eve) happened and I felt like it was just another old day at church. You'd think singing Christmas carols all day would get you in the Christmas spirit but I wasn't feeling it. Frustrated, I started saying a little prayer in my head.

"Hey Jesus, oh by the way, Happy Birthday, ummm... I am really puzzled as to why I'm having a hard time being excited for what is the most important day on the earth. I love you and I'm sorry I feel this way but I was hoping that I might get a little more jittery like I was a couple days ago? I am just really needing joy to pour out of me."

SMACK! (Not literal)
I was missing the whole point. The point of Christmas is not about singing a bunch of feel good songs about thankfulness and love. It's about remembering the birth of the most incredible man to ever walk the earth. It's about realizing that the blood that ran through Mary's veins ran in Jesus’ veins, and it is designed exactly as the blood in ours. It's about taking a moment out of our day to say, "Hey God, thanks for sending Your son just to die for me." It's about taking the time to evaluate everything we stand for. To realign our priorities. To find the unconditional love that could drown us a hundred times over.

Today, I want to start making a change. I want God to inhabit every area of my life. I want Him to shine through my heart and my words. I want Him to run through my veins. I want Him. He's all I want. He's everything.

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe, of the One who gave it all."

Room of Peace.

I'm at peace. God has been so apparent in all my sufferings. I can still see Him now. He's telling me how this is all going to play out and not to worry about it. It's Christmas time and I don't want to be anywhere else than in His presence. I love this feeling. I feel Loved.

Merry Christmas Baby.

Someone I feel very honored to call my friend said something so honest that I couldn't believe it actually came out of her mouth. She was completely vulnerable in front of me and had the guts to say something I wouldn't allow myself to think.

"This Christmas is different," she said, "I'm getting really lonely and... I just want someone to love."

Just now I was reading a bulletin on MySpace. It was titled "Good Boyfriend." In it was a fairly long list on how a boyfriend should act. Too mooshy gooshy for me to find attractive now really, but I found myself looking at a list which I probably would have turned into butter over a little earlier in the game. But today I almost felt repulsed. Criteria like "When she’s cursing at you trying to act all tough, Kiss her and tell her you love her," and "Call her at 12:​00am on her birth​day to tell her you love her." These simple lovey dovey tricks could work... maybe, actually I have no idea. Because honestly, I don't curse, and if I was cursing at my significant other and "trying" to "act all tough", I would not really appreciate a kiss and an "I love you." I'd probably get even more ticked off and tell him to leave, or rather, tell him to shut up and listen to my ranting. (That probably wouldn't last long anyway.) I also hate my birthday, something I would definitely make known.

Back to the Christmas season... To my friend, I could have not put it into simpler terms. Getting a little older I have found quirks that I value above others. Not saying that I am wise beyond my 16 years but a little wiser? Why yes, I think I could say that with a clear head. But that fact of the matter is, we are designed for the rush and thrill of loving someone and having them love you back. It's in every aspect of life. Finding that one person to spend the rest of your existence with. My whole life has been thriving to find someone to physically make me feel loved. I didn't grow up with a lot of dependable men in my life, so the rush of finding someone who loved me became very imperative very early on. The winter is by far the worst season for this kind of feeling, but I have to say that this one has gotten significantly easier.

I recently found out a little more about myself and about the Love of a certain God. All the searching I had done up until about this summer became less and less of a priority as I found more and more of that love boxed away. It had been here all along. I was so entranced by the idea of physical touch that I forgot that I had all the love I'll ever need. In a way, I have made God my boyfriend. (I swear I'm not nuts.) We have a great relationship. We've known each other for a long time, developed a great friendship and now that I can trust him with my whole self, we get to have incredible spiritual conversations. He makes me a better person and gives me hope in every aspect of my life... even my love life. He has promised me that He has my best interests at heart, and that none of my pain will go unseen. He's been silently letting me learn that I deserve someone exactly like who I want and that despite all the lonely winters I will face, that he is out there... waiting just like me.

Good Boyfriend (Hillary style)
1) Loves God with all his heart.
2) Loves as unconditionally as possible.
3) Loves Brand New.

This Christmas I love everyone. Jesus especially.

Un-needed Stress.

I really liked my hair. I did, I finally learned how to do it to my likeness. What did I do. I decided to cut and color it... from a box! I feel like a little girl with this hair cut of mine except for the fact that the color is grayish. Which is why I will be cracking a lot of 'AH! My back!" jokes. I was feeling all upset and pitiful and then I realized. It's HAIR! It grows, It changes color. Why the heck do I worry so stinkin much. I'm trying really hard not to go anywhere that has a reflection but I kinda feel better. Goodness, I'm dumb.

Post Script.

Please ignore all earlier posts except the uplifting ones. I just reread some and boy am I depressing. Heh, sorry bout that Lordy. I have new hope, and I plan on spreading it like wild fire!

The truth has set me free!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Jesus you have no idea how long I have needed that. Haha, okay so maybe you do. I just want to thank you so so so much! I know these past couple weeks have been messes of emotions but I've finally got it all sorted out. I feel fresh, it might be because I am grounded and had to get it all sorted, but thank you for having my mother ground me too! I am just so thankful for you and all the wonderful people you've placed in my life. Thank you for filling my heart and allowing me to learn so much! I have finally surrendered and boy does it feel perfect! I know exactly who I want to be now and I finally feel the strength to be able to do it! AHHHH!!! I could honestly burst with happiness!

Can't wait to be grounded tommorow, and the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next! But if you could please convince my mother to let me go to the twilight movie premiere thursday night that would be amazing! Thank you, again.

Goodnight all! May God bless you in your sleep! CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

All I know is that...

...I have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling. Or how i'm supposed to act. I, in some way, surrender to my feelings and I am going to let them take their course. I am going to deal with my 'lemons' from now on instead of trying to warp something that is beyond my control. I have no idea what i'm getting myself into. But suppose, no one is supposed to know.

You've reached my heart.

I don't really know how to describe the feeling of knowing the destination, seeing how bright and full of hope it is, and not be able to find the road. It feels like each road I take, hoping it will be the right one, gets me to a certain extent and stops. With the destination right out of reach. The path is blocked by movies, memories, and old cds. I have never had a hard time loving... anything. It's the moving on part that gets me. I understand what my heart wants and by this time I desperately just want it to stop. When is that right time to stop listening to your heart? This is a gray area for me. I don't know who to listen to, or if my heads advice will even follow through. It really hasn't gotten me that far. All I know is that he warmed my heart, and I don't know how to let that go. I'm just a kid. Why did I have to get myself into something this messy?

God, I'm trying really hard to just love You and do Your works, but I just can't understand why this aching stays with me. Am I supposed to ache? Would you put this in my heart? Or am I keeping it hear against your will?

I am so in need of a different song tonight. I can't stop pressing play; it brings me enough comfort that I turning it off might end this night in something I hate. I want to stop missing you. Please don't read this.

The Room of Grace.

Can I just tell you how awesome it is to be in His presence? I mean we are always with Him whether we recognize it or not, but too actually feel and notice that He is breathing life into your lungs, it's indescribable. I love this feeling like happiness could just burst out of me. I can't help but smile all the time. I want to be more like Him. I want to be joyful so I can give others joy. Last night I was told by God that I can't spread hope unless I have hope in myself. I have always been one to listen and try and solve everyone else's problems. But when mine needed the solving, I ignored them. If you try and heal your own life, complications will occur and that old wound will never fully heal. I've finally let God relieve all of my worries and my pain. I am so secure in Him and knowing that He is with me gives me strength in myself. Being happy doesn't mean never being upset. It means recognizing that God will use that sadness and with His grace bring out Joy. Thank You so much Lord, I feel like I can unselfishly live my life for You and glorify You with everything that I do.

2nd Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound to us, even so our comfort also abounds through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation. If we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer.

Revalation.

I'm good at knowing what I should do, and doing the opposite. Not that I'm robbing banks or anything, but I'm cheating myself out of an easy way out. I've felt this way for so long that I was afraid of giving up on something again. I didn't know what life would be like if you weren't in it. Now I know. It's not like I expected, it's so much better. You are my friend, we are good friends. I was so afraid it would jeopardize all that we've been through and that being a friend wouldn't be enough. When it turns out that it is so much easier to be happy for you rather than unhappy with myself. You deserve so much, and I'm finally discovering that so do I. I'm going to start taking my own advice and diving head first into a relationship with God. He is the one that closed the door and opened many. I just never saw it till now.

I'll find my way.

I, I want to wish you well
I didn’t watch you go
Cause I suppose
I don’t know how

I, I will remember you
Not the way you left
but how you lived
And what you knew

I, I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your fire burning
Right from where I stand

I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want toknow it’s you
When I hear your voice inside my head
Inside my room

I, want to touch the sky
I want to see the stars twinkle
Like they were your eyes

I’ll find my way
You showed me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how

I, I want to smell your scent
I want to breathe the air I did before
Before you left

I, I want to wish you well
The only reason my heart beats
Is cause you showed it how

I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
You show me
I’ll find my way
Cause you showed me how
You show me how
You showed me how

I don't stand a chance.

I can't be too specific. But I hate it. Everything about it. Except your happiness. It's what keeps me going. Just hoping it'll be enough to take the edge off the sting. I hate the pain, but I love you. Love is stronger. I'll endure. For your sake, I'll endure.

I don't want to.

I wish I could find the words, the strength, the will power to actually say what’s pulling at all ends of me. I'm pretty sure if some form of wisdom did come to me, I wouldn't tell you. It’s my dilemma. Having so many words, and never saying a thing. Writing songs that no one will ever hear. There are many that float around. I'm too afraid of writing them down for fear that I'll have to face what I ignore.

"And you, I'm missing you, I don't want to, I’ll be missing you."

I'm tired of wasting time.

I keep hearing about jellyfish lately. In songs I've loved for years, in pictures, and in dreams. I never knew how perfectly a jellyfish describes me. Almost colorless, transparent, and spineless. I lie a lot. I think it makes me feel better. I hope it makes other people feel better being around a false happy than someone who truly doesn't know how to stop the whirlwind around her. People can see right through me. Read my every move. Once they get close enough to realize that I don't have a backbone, they think I can't feel it when it gets crushed. Which I do. If there is one thing that separates me from a jellyfish, it's that I welcome danger. Thinking I can turn it all around... when really I should shock it far away. I should give a warning. "Run away, I'll probably love you too much to let you go when it's time." Time and apologies don't mean much anymore. It's irrelevant. Time doesn't heal, and time isn't helping me move along. I've been stuck for quite some "time."

When does this end?

When is it enough? When am I enough? Lately I don't feel like enough to anyone. Myself included. I'm getting knocked sideways. I keep thinking that time will take them all away. But they only helped a little. Now I have new worries and the ones who could have helped... can't. Not now. I wouldn't even let them try. I would be angry if I let them help. So I’m trapped by choice? Or is it by fate? Is this supposed to help? I hope so... I really do.

"Love Song"

Please go. Take me with you.

I hate when I'm right.

Do you ever tell yourself that you want to be wrong? You wish you didn't know exactly how to beat yourself at your own game... but you do. I never wanted to give up my fire. It kept me warm, it distracted me, it gave me something worth hanging on to. I love fire, but it's time I put it out. I'm not the person I want to be. Letting go of what I never wanted to fully admit I lost will get me there faster. Thanks a lot stupid analogy.

I Have Loved and Lost.

You never really think your mind could be swiped clean. Even less likely your sin, and even harder to expect... your heart. You never really think there is anything you can do about the pain you feel. No way to make it truly go away. There are only two false options to the human eye. You can lie. Lie to others for so long that you will actually convince your mind of the same. I call it; "lying to the point of self destruction," for your heart will never believe what your mind will. The second option is to run away. Run away in hopes that the heart will forget. Which, it never does.

These two options have blinded this heartbroken world into believing one giant lie. You can not escape heartache. You can not outrun heartbreak, and you can not forget a love. These tactics have only brought on the false hope that material nouns and lust can piece together a terminal heart.

So what is left to believe besides never ending heartache? These past years I have been running, pretending, and lying. Only in the past few weeks have I tried to dig past my human walls. Instead I have tried to endure. Which doesn't work so well either. I'd advise against it. But I did discover a third option.

Accept it.

I am constantly trying to "man up" or not worry about all my dumb feelings, when in reality they just build up. Instead of running, lying, and cheating your heart out of feelings we were meant to have, accept them. Admit you loved and lost. Your battle with will and fate will never work out in your favor. God will never use situations to hurt you. He will only make you stronger. Instead of forcing your will to forget a love or pursue a love, put your love into the hands of the only one who knows how it will all play out. He is the master of this play called life. And no matter how hard you run or how good a liar you are, you will never win your heart back.

Take this time to give God your heart; he's the only one who won't break it.

I need to hear You in the silence.

I need help.
BIG help.

Autobiography.

I wouldn't even read my life story right now. That's how much I hate feelings.

Congratulations Hillary, you're are now back at GO!
(do not collect 200$)

Rejoice in this Divine Romance.

I will sing and dance, to show my love. So many fears and worries have become nonexistent thanks to you Lord. You have showed me yet again the road you want me on, and everyday I feel me grow in you. I trust you Jesus, and I thank you for letting me grow past my stupidity. My heart is no longer mine or anyone else's. My heart is Yours. Guide me with it to your glory. I love You.

Drama Queen

I apologize for making my attitude sound so dramatic. I think it's because I want so much of what I'm thinking to never come out in my actions. So from now on, bear with me as my writing will always be exaggerated to get every last drop of emotion out. I've never been fond of feelings, the only way I know how to express myself is through art, music, and writing.

I'm running back to my God. Reading His word always gets me back on my feet. It's amazing that I think I am all independent, when in reality, my entire happiness lies with my most beloved friend. Jesus Christ.

Enough is enough.

It's never enough. What I say, what I do, what I don't. I'm worthless to you. Do I want to get close again? You know how hard it is to lose. The fight, the childhood, my heart, my mind. You said I'd never have to lose you. But how can I keep you, all you want is to run from me. It's my fault; it’s always been my fault. Think of the last apology that came out of your mouth, and then try to convince yourself that it wasn't that long ago. That you don't need to own up to at least 1% of the damage. That the flooding will stop as soon as I call, or drive, or make an effort. It's not that you won't apologize; it's that you won't fight. Nothing I do will ever be good enough because you take take take. I can only give so much. You've made me weak, I'm drowning, and for this you will ask me to apologize. And for this reason I won't. I am not what you need; I now know that I have never been. My life has taught me to not be dependant on people. I am human, I can not be everywhere at once, I can not hear your thoughts, I can not predict your mood theme parks, and for a long while I have not been your friend. I am simply not good enough for your standards. Hope you find someone who can get inside. For ten years now, I know I've only failed.

To the World.

Get your mind off yourself. Maybe it's time you looked through the window instead of the mirror. It's been gimme gimme gimme for so long; sometimes I think if you could, you'd marry yourself. Which we all know has a 50% percent chance of failing. So empty your pockets into worldly nouns, into the latest trend, your most recent longing, and then ask yourself, "Will it ever be enough?" I know that I am preaching to the choir, but when you have seen what I have, you begin to understand. For a country that prides itself on being wealthy and full of all you need, we lack so much. "The strong shall lead the weak." We are weak, and with the unconditional love I experienced in Mexico, I am strong.

The Opifany and the Crash.

Today started out fantastic, and then got cold really fast. Then that down created a twisted upside that I took hold of gratefully. And after that burst of happiness, I got crushed. It's like the only person trying to not bring me down anymore are a few select and God. It's so hard to see who you are anymore. As far as I'm concerned, I'm worse. I see the signs, and I ignore. Is that smart? NO! Does it matter to me that I'll get hurt in the process to someone else's self discovery... not until it happens. I'm so sick of failing. I want out. Drama is finding me, and I want it gone. Don't ask me to forgive you yet, I want to wallow in this pity a while. You know I'm a sucker for forgiveness, so just do me a solid, and don't. I'm not strong enough. Not yet. You scarred me, and you scarred me good.

You're In Love With Love

I'm really dumb when it comes to you. I give myself hope when you were born strictly to bring me down. We're nothing alike; I can hardly stand the words that come out of your mouth. I long to be close to your thoughts, knowing very well that I'm never on your mind. You make me sick. I am afraid to love again, I don't know if my heart can take another you. I think the reason I can't let you go is because it's not you I need to rid myself of. It's the better times with you. Walking in the night hand in hand and other memories I can't let myself reminisce over in public. Because lets face it, I'd have a hard time letting anyone in right now... even you. I don't really think I'm in love with you. I'm in love with how you made me feel and how nervous you make me. Don't misunderstand me. I'll always love you. Day in and day out, I will always, unfortunately, miss you and your quirks. You gave me something real and therefore I am forced to remember you. You and that smile. I don't think I'll ever forget it. Ugh, I don't even understand me.

"You'd think I'd know by now. You were bound to love again. To my dismay, she was bound to love you."

Take Me Back

Sorry that I'm not good at this. I'm not good at letting go of anything. That wasn't what I was doing. You should know it was just stubbornness that drove us apart. I still want it. I thought you did. But I did say exactly that, and you kept shoving it back at me. Now tell me that I didn't try, you're remembering now. How is someone supposed to apologize for two people and never be accepted time after time and still have strength to stick around? I thought I told you how I felt. I thought you understood. We both didn't want to hear what was said, but I let me succumb to it. I'm sorry that my apologies aren't enough. I should have known that what you meant by shoving them back in my face, was a cry for me to stay. Sorry I missed that. We can still get through this. But I can't be the only one that’s sorry. I'm stubborn, unreliable, incredibly forgetful, hard to read, and just plain blind. But you knew this when you said I love you, and you should know that I am trying to fix me. But I can't apologize anymore while you sit there with an empty voice and first class send my sorrys back to my heart. I still love you, and everything about you. I love that you are just as stubborn, if not more, as I am. I love that we have been through life together. That without you, I would be even more messed up than I am now. I love that you know how scatterbrained I am and that in the past you have given me someone to cry to when I can't stand all that is crashing down. Please don't let me put to chords all that is going through my head. I just want to hear your voice, not a melody to what failed.

Big Man Upstairs

I've fallen from an epiphany that helped me look at life a little simpler and I think it's time I fell back in. Why let people hold your happiness? People who are born to sin without thinking? The people who are born to let you down in one way or another? You might as well put your emotions out to sea with a busted raft. You're not going to get any other source of satisfaction other than what you’re asking for. It's a recipe for disaster and broken hopes. Why would anyone want to be so careless with their own heart? I know we don't do this on purpose, but why not secure your "feelings" in something more secure. A friendship that was born to stand still and secure throughout your whole lifetime? I've decided to put all my happiness in the hands of one. He's my Father, my Joy, my Love, and my God. Thanks for knocking sense into me Jesus; it's about time I got things straight.

Day Old Hate...

Why does your strength seem to crumble right when you need it the most? You were supposed to be my stronghold. You said forever. And you meant it. In some way you meant it. And still, right when I want to break down and surrender like I always have, a new base helps me stand tall. You have no idea how much I need you right now. And you won't even hear me. You won't take the time to understand what I have to say. It's not your fault. I let you get away with it all these years. I'm sorry I cracked when I did... it should have been sooner. We could have gotten past this. But now I see that our everything was built on the sand. I'm starting new. And if you decide to talk I will never be the same. We will never be the same. Nothing is the same. I can't help but feel like we failed. We promised we never would. But I'm done trying.

Fiction Faker.

I'm always choosing the music that reminds me of a dramatic scene in some life changing movie. Always saying things that I think someone would laugh at if I were trapped in a television. Or doing something so outrageous it doesn't even make sense. Life always seemed so much better in my books. There was always a light side to heartbreak. Always a quote that just made you rethink your everything, and whatever it was that made up your everything. The love was always more passionate. Each word, so perfect it made you laugh, and even cry. I'm sick of feeling this way after reading. Like what I have is never going to be book worthy. That my life is the most commonly unwatched. That no one is going to see me. That I'm not as good as the lead character that figures it all out in the end. My end can't end in 700 pages. It's going to take forever to be a memory. Even if I'm worth remembering. I have all the love I'll need in Jesus. But lately I feel so empty. Like I can get through each day, and when everyone leaves, so do I. I hate being alone with my thoughts. I start writing about feelings. I hate feelings. The bad ones anyway. For goodness sakes, I'm writing about how I wish I was in a book... it's just fiction after all. I just don't know anymore.