I don't want to.

I wish I could find the words, the strength, the will power to actually say what’s pulling at all ends of me. I'm pretty sure if some form of wisdom did come to me, I wouldn't tell you. It’s my dilemma. Having so many words, and never saying a thing. Writing songs that no one will ever hear. There are many that float around. I'm too afraid of writing them down for fear that I'll have to face what I ignore.

"And you, I'm missing you, I don't want to, I’ll be missing you."

I'm tired of wasting time.

I keep hearing about jellyfish lately. In songs I've loved for years, in pictures, and in dreams. I never knew how perfectly a jellyfish describes me. Almost colorless, transparent, and spineless. I lie a lot. I think it makes me feel better. I hope it makes other people feel better being around a false happy than someone who truly doesn't know how to stop the whirlwind around her. People can see right through me. Read my every move. Once they get close enough to realize that I don't have a backbone, they think I can't feel it when it gets crushed. Which I do. If there is one thing that separates me from a jellyfish, it's that I welcome danger. Thinking I can turn it all around... when really I should shock it far away. I should give a warning. "Run away, I'll probably love you too much to let you go when it's time." Time and apologies don't mean much anymore. It's irrelevant. Time doesn't heal, and time isn't helping me move along. I've been stuck for quite some "time."

When does this end?

When is it enough? When am I enough? Lately I don't feel like enough to anyone. Myself included. I'm getting knocked sideways. I keep thinking that time will take them all away. But they only helped a little. Now I have new worries and the ones who could have helped... can't. Not now. I wouldn't even let them try. I would be angry if I let them help. So I’m trapped by choice? Or is it by fate? Is this supposed to help? I hope so... I really do.

"Love Song"

Please go. Take me with you.

I hate when I'm right.

Do you ever tell yourself that you want to be wrong? You wish you didn't know exactly how to beat yourself at your own game... but you do. I never wanted to give up my fire. It kept me warm, it distracted me, it gave me something worth hanging on to. I love fire, but it's time I put it out. I'm not the person I want to be. Letting go of what I never wanted to fully admit I lost will get me there faster. Thanks a lot stupid analogy.

I Have Loved and Lost.

You never really think your mind could be swiped clean. Even less likely your sin, and even harder to expect... your heart. You never really think there is anything you can do about the pain you feel. No way to make it truly go away. There are only two false options to the human eye. You can lie. Lie to others for so long that you will actually convince your mind of the same. I call it; "lying to the point of self destruction," for your heart will never believe what your mind will. The second option is to run away. Run away in hopes that the heart will forget. Which, it never does.

These two options have blinded this heartbroken world into believing one giant lie. You can not escape heartache. You can not outrun heartbreak, and you can not forget a love. These tactics have only brought on the false hope that material nouns and lust can piece together a terminal heart.

So what is left to believe besides never ending heartache? These past years I have been running, pretending, and lying. Only in the past few weeks have I tried to dig past my human walls. Instead I have tried to endure. Which doesn't work so well either. I'd advise against it. But I did discover a third option.

Accept it.

I am constantly trying to "man up" or not worry about all my dumb feelings, when in reality they just build up. Instead of running, lying, and cheating your heart out of feelings we were meant to have, accept them. Admit you loved and lost. Your battle with will and fate will never work out in your favor. God will never use situations to hurt you. He will only make you stronger. Instead of forcing your will to forget a love or pursue a love, put your love into the hands of the only one who knows how it will all play out. He is the master of this play called life. And no matter how hard you run or how good a liar you are, you will never win your heart back.

Take this time to give God your heart; he's the only one who won't break it.

I need to hear You in the silence.

I need help.
BIG help.