Something I don't understand.

Why do people think there is a requirment to be a certain age so you can love? You arn't supposed to control who you love. Love knows no age. I wish it did, no doubt, but it doesn't. The misconception with teenage love is that most relationships are not based on love but lust. Everyone knows we're all developing, and we're having hormonal issues, but just because you get the goosbumps when you see (eneter name here) doesn't mean you're in love.

Good love is so much different then say... Unhealthy love. Which is what most high school relationships are based on. It's when one or both partners are looking at the relationship selfishly and not interested in the other spouses well being. I believe good or healthy love is completely selfless and full of forgivness. And it just so happens that love shouldn't be about the physical aspect...shocking.

I personally want to be so in love that I could go years without seeing that someone and still anticipate their return. I would rather not kiss anyone till I had a husband than to kiss a bunch of people to find the one. He's out there. So just a little advice. You don't have to break your heart throughout growing up to find out what love is. You already have all you need anyway.


Thank you Jesus for giving me stimulating conversations that inspire me to write. You are awesome.

Insecurities.

I think this is Satans way of bringing me down after a happy high. I have all this insight that I want to bring into my life but lately I just miss people. I miss being missed. I miss having certain people to call my bests. I hate this. Why does today hurt so much.

Let Your Glory Fall.

The song I'm listening to over and over again for the past couple days is surprisingly not off the record of Deja Entendu. (Which is kind of a miracle.) If you do not know what Deja Entendu is... shame on you. Probably the best record I will ever own. Anyway. I have been listening to Hillsong's "You'll Come," by Brooke Frasier.



"I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord."

I am so weak in myself and so breakable. When I put my heart into the hands of sin ridden humans, what else can I expect but to have it be carelessly tossed aside as I have carelessly lent it away. God said to guard our hearts and everyday I find new ways to protect mine. I don't want to put all my hopes and dreams in the hands of people. As much as I love the people I am blessed to have in my life, my happiness will not rest in them. But, as I reread that... How can my heart not break when a friend steers away from the path? How can my heart not burst into the highest of melodies when a friend has found the light? How can I not put my heart into the world and let them break it as Jesus did? If I want to guard my heart but let others lean on it, how do I find that balance? I think the only balance in this destruction is Jesus and that all I have in my heart will glorify Him when I use it to do His will. So to guard my heart I will keep a fraction for myself and share the rest with those in need? I think that's the best I can hope to do. I've never been good at the whole keeping my heart to myself anyway.



"As surely as the sun will rise. You'll come to us. Certain as the dawn appears."

How amazing is the day that the end of the world will come. As depressing as that sounds, it's not depressing at all. God gave us this life so that we could live. And death came to the earth as a result of our defiance. In some ways death is an awful thing. When you look into the eyes of their loved ones and can not tell them for sure where they are seated. It is a sad thing to say goodbye without the knowledge if you'll see them again. But death can also be the breaking point in a revolution. It can be a symbol to carry on through struggles. I think that death is under glorified in a way. Because after all, those who are blessed to know Him will be in a much brighter place. I think all we can hope for is to take as many with us as possible. We'll come to You.



"You'll come, let Your glory fall as You respond to us. Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again. You'll come, You'll come."

I want to be flooded over with Love. I want to breathe it into my lungs and crave it evermore. I love this kind of Love. There is no comparison.



"Chains be broken. Lives be healed. Eyes be opened. Christ is revealed."

I hope I live to see every knee bow down. Every mouth proclaim who is Lord. How blessed is the last day on Earth.



Today was a great day. I spent this morning with my family and then headed over to my new family's house for hopefully what is to become a new tradition. My family is all musical and so in Love with God it's mind blowing. I feel inspired just being around these people. I want to end on a thought.

How important is every "small decision" in our lives. I don't think there are any. I found a Gibbard editorial in one of my old Paste Magazines and found these quotes mind boggling.

"I find myself obsessed with alternate paths I could’ve taken. I don’t think about this with a sense of regret, but with a sense of wonder... But for every one of those scenarios where I think things happen for a reason, I find myself regretting decisions that I never really had." -Ben Gibbard.

My Heart Abandoned.

I don't know why I get inspired so late in the night. I usually just spend all the time after dark finding new bands and/or blogging. Which I haven't been doing a whole lot of... sorry.

Okay. Here it goes.
I love Christmas time. I get, if possible, more jolly than ever. I can't stop smiling. I can't stop thanking God for all that He's blessed me with. Even if things are going wrong this time of my year, I can never get so upset that it ruins the whole Christmas atmosphere. This Christmas I was feeling more anticipation than ever. I could feel it with every bone in my body. Talking about it would get me a riled up. Then today (Christmas Eve) happened and I felt like it was just another old day at church. You'd think singing Christmas carols all day would get you in the Christmas spirit but I wasn't feeling it. Frustrated, I started saying a little prayer in my head.

"Hey Jesus, oh by the way, Happy Birthday, ummm... I am really puzzled as to why I'm having a hard time being excited for what is the most important day on the earth. I love you and I'm sorry I feel this way but I was hoping that I might get a little more jittery like I was a couple days ago? I am just really needing joy to pour out of me."

SMACK! (Not literal)
I was missing the whole point. The point of Christmas is not about singing a bunch of feel good songs about thankfulness and love. It's about remembering the birth of the most incredible man to ever walk the earth. It's about realizing that the blood that ran through Mary's veins ran in Jesus’ veins, and it is designed exactly as the blood in ours. It's about taking a moment out of our day to say, "Hey God, thanks for sending Your son just to die for me." It's about taking the time to evaluate everything we stand for. To realign our priorities. To find the unconditional love that could drown us a hundred times over.

Today, I want to start making a change. I want God to inhabit every area of my life. I want Him to shine through my heart and my words. I want Him to run through my veins. I want Him. He's all I want. He's everything.

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned. In awe, of the One who gave it all."

Room of Peace.

I'm at peace. God has been so apparent in all my sufferings. I can still see Him now. He's telling me how this is all going to play out and not to worry about it. It's Christmas time and I don't want to be anywhere else than in His presence. I love this feeling. I feel Loved.

Merry Christmas Baby.

Someone I feel very honored to call my friend said something so honest that I couldn't believe it actually came out of her mouth. She was completely vulnerable in front of me and had the guts to say something I wouldn't allow myself to think.

"This Christmas is different," she said, "I'm getting really lonely and... I just want someone to love."

Just now I was reading a bulletin on MySpace. It was titled "Good Boyfriend." In it was a fairly long list on how a boyfriend should act. Too mooshy gooshy for me to find attractive now really, but I found myself looking at a list which I probably would have turned into butter over a little earlier in the game. But today I almost felt repulsed. Criteria like "When she’s cursing at you trying to act all tough, Kiss her and tell her you love her," and "Call her at 12:​00am on her birth​day to tell her you love her." These simple lovey dovey tricks could work... maybe, actually I have no idea. Because honestly, I don't curse, and if I was cursing at my significant other and "trying" to "act all tough", I would not really appreciate a kiss and an "I love you." I'd probably get even more ticked off and tell him to leave, or rather, tell him to shut up and listen to my ranting. (That probably wouldn't last long anyway.) I also hate my birthday, something I would definitely make known.

Back to the Christmas season... To my friend, I could have not put it into simpler terms. Getting a little older I have found quirks that I value above others. Not saying that I am wise beyond my 16 years but a little wiser? Why yes, I think I could say that with a clear head. But that fact of the matter is, we are designed for the rush and thrill of loving someone and having them love you back. It's in every aspect of life. Finding that one person to spend the rest of your existence with. My whole life has been thriving to find someone to physically make me feel loved. I didn't grow up with a lot of dependable men in my life, so the rush of finding someone who loved me became very imperative very early on. The winter is by far the worst season for this kind of feeling, but I have to say that this one has gotten significantly easier.

I recently found out a little more about myself and about the Love of a certain God. All the searching I had done up until about this summer became less and less of a priority as I found more and more of that love boxed away. It had been here all along. I was so entranced by the idea of physical touch that I forgot that I had all the love I'll ever need. In a way, I have made God my boyfriend. (I swear I'm not nuts.) We have a great relationship. We've known each other for a long time, developed a great friendship and now that I can trust him with my whole self, we get to have incredible spiritual conversations. He makes me a better person and gives me hope in every aspect of my life... even my love life. He has promised me that He has my best interests at heart, and that none of my pain will go unseen. He's been silently letting me learn that I deserve someone exactly like who I want and that despite all the lonely winters I will face, that he is out there... waiting just like me.

Good Boyfriend (Hillary style)
1) Loves God with all his heart.
2) Loves as unconditionally as possible.
3) Loves Brand New.

This Christmas I love everyone. Jesus especially.