They'll never take the good years.

Sometimes I wish I didn't analyze everything. That I could just do something because I wanted to. That I could even say the things I want to. Without any fear. That I could be selfish. That I could go after what I want. That I could actually peruse what I want. To give into my feelings and admit to them, admit that I actually have the right to feel. Feel anyway that I am.

The right to feel something...

So much of the time I feel like I'm not adequate. That I don't deserve to feel the way I do if it costs anyone

anything.

Anything at all.

I would rather bite my tongue and bite my heart than admit to something that I actually want. Because in some way I feel like I'm saving everyone. That if I'm the only one hurting, I've done my job correctly. If everyone around me is happy, and I lose, I still win.

It must be awesome to win once in a while. To get exactly what you want without feeling any unrest. But that's so unlike me. I could never go there.

I am sensible. I found that about myself with these past couple weeks. I am not impulsive in the slightest. I always think it through. Sometimes I think wrong, but I am quick to ask forgiveness.

God is my strength, He's the only reason I am able to break as much as I do and still stand. But something tells me that, along with my incredible family, God doesn't want me to live like this. I think He wants me to feel like I've won something a great deal more important.

I need rescuing. There. I said it. Now does anyone know where you can buy one of those.....

backbones.

Yeah, that's the word.