It's the sweetest thing, to trust You.

I've had this odd happiness since I woke up this morning. It's Friday. The morning was crisp. But the sun was just enough to create a sense of hope. I got a great Chai. Successfully snuck said Chai into the computer lab where I sat next to a good friend. I have been afraid of confrontation with this friend because I know that despite my cowardly efforts, I had hurt him. He still smiled at me, asked me how my day was, and while he finished his quest for online cheat sheets I listened to Kristine Mueller's "Trust." (The song that I've been breathing lately.) My friend eventually leaves and I add my other headphone to my ear and tune out.

I'm reading blogs when my other good, humorous, (probably embarrassed at this point in the blog) friend sits next to me and pokes fun at my blog reading. Which he has caught me doing a lot of recently... He pulls up his schoolwork for abnormal psychology and has to take three tests that will determine if he has a "Personality Disorder." I decide that it would be interesting to take them too.

According to the professor only test one is fully credible, and I sincerely hope that he's not lying.

I am asked questions like... "Do you prefer to work alone because your standards are too high..." "Do you enjoy social settings?" "If you answered yes, is it because you are worried what their hidden motives are or..." "Or is it because you feel inferior to everyone around you?"

On and on and on and on these questions were listed and at the end I felt almost... invaded.

I am a Schizotypal, Dependant, and Obsessive Compulsive person.

All of the above basically summed up everything I didn't want to believe or even know about myself. Some things were definitely off but mostly, these disorders, these personality negatives, were pretty accurate. It got me thinking. Why the heck am I the way I am?

Why is anyone the way they are? Why is it that people can be polar opposites? How can I have all these things wrong with me and still have people to call friends? Does everyone have a disorder? Are humans just one big disorder or can it be argued that since everyone is under the same disabled label, we are all normally screwed up on some physiological level?

I was talking with that same friend after college, and while my brain was swarming with deep, dark, and pointless questions he told me something. And as the words came out of his mouth, I realized how long it had been since I've heard them in the same arrangement. He said "You can't have better than what already is... My life is perfect."

What the heck is perfect? How does someone judge a life? How can you weigh the highs and lows of life? What are these professors basing all their knowledge off of? What are we basing ourselves off of?

I have odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with sub cultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations), unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions, odd thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, over elaborate, or stereotyped), suspiciousness or paranoid ideation, inappropriate or constricted affect, behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar, lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives, social anxiety that tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about myself. I have difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others, needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life, has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval (this does not include realistic fears of retribution), has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy), goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant, feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself, urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends, is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself. I am preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost, shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met), is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity), is over conscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification), unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value, is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things, adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes, and I show rigidity and stubbornness.

That is a really long list of things that are wrong with me and if you didn't get through reading them all, don't feel bad... I didn't either.

The thing is, they missed that I have an amazing, talented family. They also didn't take into account that I have awesome, supporting, intellectual friends. And they most definitely missed that I am completely immersed in the Love of a God who loves me and all of my emotional problems.

Go here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doc1eqstMQQ.

This music video was exactly what I've been feeling the past few days. Like I've been running, searching for something worthwhile and at the end all I find is a climax and breaking point of emotion. And at the end of all the tiresome complexities that this world forces down our throats, I get to dive into pure faith and grace and love and hope and peace. Thank goodness our God is a God of peace.

Try and be at peace with yourself. Because right now, you're exactly who you are, and you "can't have better than what already is."

You're perfect because He loves you. God loves you.