You know when you find a song that you wish it would just never end. It got me thinking...
There are a lot of things we love, a lot of temporary things that we wish would never cease. That they would just live forever. Unfortunately, (for some) first loves fade, our taste buds lose their truth, our ears lose their precision with every faint ringing that we can't shake. Our eyes and hearts lose focus of our youthful dreams and this song will, inevitbly, end.
So what is there to hold on to? Why do we wake up every morning?
Love.
Not love, but Love.
Don't define it. It's too big for the mind to wrap around. It's too pure to be written and solidifed. It's not to be written on stone, Love, is for our hearts. How awesome is this Love that can't be described.
"The only reason my heart beats, is because You showed it how."
He is Love, don't restrict something so powerful, let it change you. Let it enter you. Let Him Love you.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
It's the sweetest thing, to trust You.
I've had this odd happiness since I woke up this morning. It's Friday. The morning was crisp. But the sun was just enough to create a sense of hope. I got a great Chai. Successfully snuck said Chai into the computer lab where I sat next to a good friend. I have been afraid of confrontation with this friend because I know that despite my cowardly efforts, I had hurt him. He still smiled at me, asked me how my day was, and while he finished his quest for online cheat sheets I listened to Kristine Mueller's "Trust." (The song that I've been breathing lately.) My friend eventually leaves and I add my other headphone to my ear and tune out.
I'm reading blogs when my other good, humorous, (probably embarrassed at this point in the blog) friend sits next to me and pokes fun at my blog reading. Which he has caught me doing a lot of recently... He pulls up his schoolwork for abnormal psychology and has to take three tests that will determine if he has a "Personality Disorder." I decide that it would be interesting to take them too.
According to the professor only test one is fully credible, and I sincerely hope that he's not lying.
I am asked questions like... "Do you prefer to work alone because your standards are too high..." "Do you enjoy social settings?" "If you answered yes, is it because you are worried what their hidden motives are or..." "Or is it because you feel inferior to everyone around you?"
On and on and on and on these questions were listed and at the end I felt almost... invaded.
I am a Schizotypal, Dependant, and Obsessive Compulsive person.
All of the above basically summed up everything I didn't want to believe or even know about myself. Some things were definitely off but mostly, these disorders, these personality negatives, were pretty accurate. It got me thinking. Why the heck am I the way I am?
Why is anyone the way they are? Why is it that people can be polar opposites? How can I have all these things wrong with me and still have people to call friends? Does everyone have a disorder? Are humans just one big disorder or can it be argued that since everyone is under the same disabled label, we are all normally screwed up on some physiological level?
I was talking with that same friend after college, and while my brain was swarming with deep, dark, and pointless questions he told me something. And as the words came out of his mouth, I realized how long it had been since I've heard them in the same arrangement. He said "You can't have better than what already is... My life is perfect."
What the heck is perfect? How does someone judge a life? How can you weigh the highs and lows of life? What are these professors basing all their knowledge off of? What are we basing ourselves off of?
I have odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with sub cultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations), unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions, odd thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, over elaborate, or stereotyped), suspiciousness or paranoid ideation, inappropriate or constricted affect, behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar, lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives, social anxiety that tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about myself. I have difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others, needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life, has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval (this does not include realistic fears of retribution), has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy), goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant, feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself, urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends, is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself. I am preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost, shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met), is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity), is over conscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification), unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value, is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things, adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes, and I show rigidity and stubbornness.
That is a really long list of things that are wrong with me and if you didn't get through reading them all, don't feel bad... I didn't either.
The thing is, they missed that I have an amazing, talented family. They also didn't take into account that I have awesome, supporting, intellectual friends. And they most definitely missed that I am completely immersed in the Love of a God who loves me and all of my emotional problems.
Go here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doc1eqstMQQ.
This music video was exactly what I've been feeling the past few days. Like I've been running, searching for something worthwhile and at the end all I find is a climax and breaking point of emotion. And at the end of all the tiresome complexities that this world forces down our throats, I get to dive into pure faith and grace and love and hope and peace. Thank goodness our God is a God of peace.
Try and be at peace with yourself. Because right now, you're exactly who you are, and you "can't have better than what already is."
You're perfect because He loves you. God loves you.
I'm reading blogs when my other good, humorous, (probably embarrassed at this point in the blog) friend sits next to me and pokes fun at my blog reading. Which he has caught me doing a lot of recently... He pulls up his schoolwork for abnormal psychology and has to take three tests that will determine if he has a "Personality Disorder." I decide that it would be interesting to take them too.
According to the professor only test one is fully credible, and I sincerely hope that he's not lying.
I am asked questions like... "Do you prefer to work alone because your standards are too high..." "Do you enjoy social settings?" "If you answered yes, is it because you are worried what their hidden motives are or..." "Or is it because you feel inferior to everyone around you?"
On and on and on and on these questions were listed and at the end I felt almost... invaded.
I am a Schizotypal, Dependant, and Obsessive Compulsive person.
All of the above basically summed up everything I didn't want to believe or even know about myself. Some things were definitely off but mostly, these disorders, these personality negatives, were pretty accurate. It got me thinking. Why the heck am I the way I am?
Why is anyone the way they are? Why is it that people can be polar opposites? How can I have all these things wrong with me and still have people to call friends? Does everyone have a disorder? Are humans just one big disorder or can it be argued that since everyone is under the same disabled label, we are all normally screwed up on some physiological level?
I was talking with that same friend after college, and while my brain was swarming with deep, dark, and pointless questions he told me something. And as the words came out of his mouth, I realized how long it had been since I've heard them in the same arrangement. He said "You can't have better than what already is... My life is perfect."
What the heck is perfect? How does someone judge a life? How can you weigh the highs and lows of life? What are these professors basing all their knowledge off of? What are we basing ourselves off of?
I have odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with sub cultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations), unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions, odd thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, over elaborate, or stereotyped), suspiciousness or paranoid ideation, inappropriate or constricted affect, behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar, lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives, social anxiety that tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about myself. I have difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others, needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life, has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval (this does not include realistic fears of retribution), has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy), goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant, feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself, urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends, is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself. I am preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost, shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met), is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity), is over conscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification), unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value, is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things, adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes, and I show rigidity and stubbornness.
That is a really long list of things that are wrong with me and if you didn't get through reading them all, don't feel bad... I didn't either.
The thing is, they missed that I have an amazing, talented family. They also didn't take into account that I have awesome, supporting, intellectual friends. And they most definitely missed that I am completely immersed in the Love of a God who loves me and all of my emotional problems.
Go here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doc1eqstMQQ.
This music video was exactly what I've been feeling the past few days. Like I've been running, searching for something worthwhile and at the end all I find is a climax and breaking point of emotion. And at the end of all the tiresome complexities that this world forces down our throats, I get to dive into pure faith and grace and love and hope and peace. Thank goodness our God is a God of peace.
Try and be at peace with yourself. Because right now, you're exactly who you are, and you "can't have better than what already is."
You're perfect because He loves you. God loves you.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Thank God for Doug and Terese.
I had the pleasure of going to coffee with one of my amazing, talented, inspiring, best friend. It was a conversation that had gone a different direction that either of us were expecting. Admitting that we were feeling a little out of sorts, our topic started to change and we started talking about lighter subjects. Like her recent trip for a choir competition where she probably blew everyones mind with her gift.
Anyway, we were having a much lighter conversation by the fireplace in Starbucks when an older man came over and sat next to us. We turned to smile and say hello and his face instantly lightened. (It's amazing what a hello can do isn't it.) He continued to talk about his "bride" and how they loved to just spoil each other. She was grabbing him his coffee and his favorite thing to do was take her to watch the sunset and buy her diamonds. While he was talking about all of her favorite colored diamonds, and all the diamonds he was looking to give to her, the excitement in his voice was what got me the most. I started thinking about a sermon I heard in Generation Church UD.
The woman there was talking about how we are all God's treasure and how we are all diamonds in his eyes. None more valuable than the other. How when we hand ourselves over to Him, He will make us new and refined. The more we allow Him to work in our lives, the more we will be able to see a reflection of His face in our life.
So, God is excited about his treasure and the man in Starbucks is excited about buying his wife diamonds.
The wife, who's name is Terese, comes back with his drink and starts blushing when she realizes that her husband, Doug, has been talking about how amazing she is the whole time. She also has a Joyce Meyer book tucked under her shoulder. Madison comments on the book saying how she listens to her on the radio almost every morning. Doug gives a sheepish smile and says "Now you know the real reason our relationship is so good." They go on to tell us that they teach at local churches in the area and have devoted the rest of their lives to teaching and counseling. He brings out this briefcase that looks as if it is going to combust if one more bible study guide goes in. He started rummaging through his papers and brings out the study that they're leading today. The names of God. The paper lists all the names mentioned in the OT in reference to Christ. He starts talking about how when he prays for certain works, he prays to God in that name. We start talking about the names and what each means and I brought up Rob Bell. (Shock!) He asked us if we do a lot of studying on our own and started looking through his briefcase again.
"Have you two ever studied the crowns?"
We answered no and he immediately got out two more study guides he had made years before. He goes on to talk about how on earth we can do works to earn crowns. He stops himself and says, "now no work can get you into heaven because Christ has already done the work. You are saved by grace." Then he talks about how when we go up to heaven and are judged, we are given the crowns with the diamonds we have earned. And that when we receive the crowns, we get to run over to Jesus and lay them at his feet.
We get to.
What else do we get to do? We get to worship an awesome God free of persecution. We get to glorify His name and give Him the credit. We get to say His name out loud and free of fear. We get to go to heaven not out of our own deeds but by His grace. We get to live our lives for Him. We get to hand over to Him all of our times of trials and hardship for peace and love.
Stop.
If you're like me, you have a hard time wrapping your head around that last one. God wants me to make a trade with Him? God wants me to give Him my problems instead of me trying to fix them. How often have I heard the God doesn't want you to clean up before coming to Him sermon? How many times have I misunderstood it?
Your life may be a mess. Your school, your friends, your family. They could all be a mess and God doesn't want you to do it alone. He doesn't want to see you unhappy. He wants you to trust Him. He wants you to come to Him dirty and He wants to hold you in His hand and wipe away all of our worries. And the more you let Him into your life, the more that reflection is going to become clearer and clearer.
I have been running a lot lately. Running from my worries, trying really hard to make it look like I had everything together. Trying hard to be perfect. Trying hard to be enough. It fooled some, others noticed how thin I had stretched myself, but God was the only that I couldn't fool.
In His presence I would try and put my best self forward. Trying hard not to show any sign of weakness or area of improvement. And yet, I cried all the time. I got back into an old habit where I would run myself dry, taking on so much that when I was alone, doing nothing, I would feel worthless. My up's and downs were always to the extreme.
God had been trying so hard to warn me of this. For the past two weeks, I have heard several references to diamonds, self worth, and the peace that God graces us with when we hand over our insecurities and problems. And I still held on, thinking "I can fix this. I can do this without bothering anyone." God doesn't want to hear that.
I love thinking of God as a best friend. If my best friend was having a huge problem and she didn't talk about it with me, I'd be hurt and frantic to figure out what's going on. I'd only want to help her and share whatever burden she felt weighed down by if not try and take it all. I'd want to take it all away so that she could be happy again. And the great thing about God being your best friend is that He can literally take it all away. He knows what we're not telling Him. Imagine knowing what your best friend is going through and them not allowing you to help in anyway... it'd break your heart to see them try and go at it alone.
Last night I went to Oasis. It's an awesome Youth lead youth group at the Belle Chapel in Snohomish. My friend got up to speak about his life struggles, and how for a long time, he tried to solve them without the help of God. Yes. It was one of those God loves and wants you right now, he doesn't want to wait for you to clean yourself up sermons. He spoke about the power of prayer and the peace that God had given him for trusting that He was more than enough. Isn't that awesome? That God is more than enough for any problem you will face. He is more than enough.
So last night I sat with my face in my knees, eyes balling, and I spoke with my awesome Creator.
Lord, you are greater than any problem that I will face. You are larger than life and you are more than enough for whatever comes my way. I don't want to face it alone anymore. I am weak and I need only You.
And like that, the God of the Universe lifted my worries and gave me a whole new reason to leak from my eyelids. His peace is unexplainable. Today I was actually clicking my heels singing Reliant K through my school. God is sooooooo good.
So my point of this was to remind you that:
-God is more than enough for your life.
-God values you, right now, not just the soon to be improved you, but all of you.
-You can lay crowns down at Jesus' feet in heaven, but right now, laying down your life and worries is the healthiest most peaceful thing you could do.
-Jesus is your best friend. Go talk to Him.
Anyway, we were having a much lighter conversation by the fireplace in Starbucks when an older man came over and sat next to us. We turned to smile and say hello and his face instantly lightened. (It's amazing what a hello can do isn't it.) He continued to talk about his "bride" and how they loved to just spoil each other. She was grabbing him his coffee and his favorite thing to do was take her to watch the sunset and buy her diamonds. While he was talking about all of her favorite colored diamonds, and all the diamonds he was looking to give to her, the excitement in his voice was what got me the most. I started thinking about a sermon I heard in Generation Church UD.
The woman there was talking about how we are all God's treasure and how we are all diamonds in his eyes. None more valuable than the other. How when we hand ourselves over to Him, He will make us new and refined. The more we allow Him to work in our lives, the more we will be able to see a reflection of His face in our life.
So, God is excited about his treasure and the man in Starbucks is excited about buying his wife diamonds.
The wife, who's name is Terese, comes back with his drink and starts blushing when she realizes that her husband, Doug, has been talking about how amazing she is the whole time. She also has a Joyce Meyer book tucked under her shoulder. Madison comments on the book saying how she listens to her on the radio almost every morning. Doug gives a sheepish smile and says "Now you know the real reason our relationship is so good." They go on to tell us that they teach at local churches in the area and have devoted the rest of their lives to teaching and counseling. He brings out this briefcase that looks as if it is going to combust if one more bible study guide goes in. He started rummaging through his papers and brings out the study that they're leading today. The names of God. The paper lists all the names mentioned in the OT in reference to Christ. He starts talking about how when he prays for certain works, he prays to God in that name. We start talking about the names and what each means and I brought up Rob Bell. (Shock!) He asked us if we do a lot of studying on our own and started looking through his briefcase again.
"Have you two ever studied the crowns?"
We answered no and he immediately got out two more study guides he had made years before. He goes on to talk about how on earth we can do works to earn crowns. He stops himself and says, "now no work can get you into heaven because Christ has already done the work. You are saved by grace." Then he talks about how when we go up to heaven and are judged, we are given the crowns with the diamonds we have earned. And that when we receive the crowns, we get to run over to Jesus and lay them at his feet.
We get to.
What else do we get to do? We get to worship an awesome God free of persecution. We get to glorify His name and give Him the credit. We get to say His name out loud and free of fear. We get to go to heaven not out of our own deeds but by His grace. We get to live our lives for Him. We get to hand over to Him all of our times of trials and hardship for peace and love.
Stop.
If you're like me, you have a hard time wrapping your head around that last one. God wants me to make a trade with Him? God wants me to give Him my problems instead of me trying to fix them. How often have I heard the God doesn't want you to clean up before coming to Him sermon? How many times have I misunderstood it?
Your life may be a mess. Your school, your friends, your family. They could all be a mess and God doesn't want you to do it alone. He doesn't want to see you unhappy. He wants you to trust Him. He wants you to come to Him dirty and He wants to hold you in His hand and wipe away all of our worries. And the more you let Him into your life, the more that reflection is going to become clearer and clearer.
I have been running a lot lately. Running from my worries, trying really hard to make it look like I had everything together. Trying hard to be perfect. Trying hard to be enough. It fooled some, others noticed how thin I had stretched myself, but God was the only that I couldn't fool.
In His presence I would try and put my best self forward. Trying hard not to show any sign of weakness or area of improvement. And yet, I cried all the time. I got back into an old habit where I would run myself dry, taking on so much that when I was alone, doing nothing, I would feel worthless. My up's and downs were always to the extreme.
God had been trying so hard to warn me of this. For the past two weeks, I have heard several references to diamonds, self worth, and the peace that God graces us with when we hand over our insecurities and problems. And I still held on, thinking "I can fix this. I can do this without bothering anyone." God doesn't want to hear that.
I love thinking of God as a best friend. If my best friend was having a huge problem and she didn't talk about it with me, I'd be hurt and frantic to figure out what's going on. I'd only want to help her and share whatever burden she felt weighed down by if not try and take it all. I'd want to take it all away so that she could be happy again. And the great thing about God being your best friend is that He can literally take it all away. He knows what we're not telling Him. Imagine knowing what your best friend is going through and them not allowing you to help in anyway... it'd break your heart to see them try and go at it alone.
Last night I went to Oasis. It's an awesome Youth lead youth group at the Belle Chapel in Snohomish. My friend got up to speak about his life struggles, and how for a long time, he tried to solve them without the help of God. Yes. It was one of those God loves and wants you right now, he doesn't want to wait for you to clean yourself up sermons. He spoke about the power of prayer and the peace that God had given him for trusting that He was more than enough. Isn't that awesome? That God is more than enough for any problem you will face. He is more than enough.
So last night I sat with my face in my knees, eyes balling, and I spoke with my awesome Creator.
Lord, you are greater than any problem that I will face. You are larger than life and you are more than enough for whatever comes my way. I don't want to face it alone anymore. I am weak and I need only You.
And like that, the God of the Universe lifted my worries and gave me a whole new reason to leak from my eyelids. His peace is unexplainable. Today I was actually clicking my heels singing Reliant K through my school. God is sooooooo good.
So my point of this was to remind you that:
-God is more than enough for your life.
-God values you, right now, not just the soon to be improved you, but all of you.
-You can lay crowns down at Jesus' feet in heaven, but right now, laying down your life and worries is the healthiest most peaceful thing you could do.
-Jesus is your best friend. Go talk to Him.
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