Getting by.

Have you ever felt that weight that you can't shake. It's so heavy and it never goes away. You can't put your finger on it, but it haunts you. No amount of life can hide it. That's how I've felt. And I want out. I want Him.

I Him to be my focus. My everything. I can't do this without Him. Without You. I need You. I am nothing without You.

My treasure Lord, You are.

I can get in the habit of listening to a song over and over again. Pretending that it never ends. Being prepared and ready to start the song from the beginning to where I hear no silence in the in between.

Being the music geek that I am, I realized something puzzling about myself. Something I don't want to be puzzling, but a well known fact.

Listening to all the indie, underground, never heard of, acoustic, outlandish bands I could ever hope for, never fills me. In fact, when I go through a season where I find bundles of new groups and talented artists, I feel without. I can make mix cd after cd and it satisfies me only for a while. Sing brilliant line after line and still feel unmoved and unchallenged.

But when I listen to a song such as the one above, I am filled. With unmeasurable love and faith. I am full in His presence and ready for anything that should come my way. Fully armed to love anyone who comes my way, because I can not possibly have room enough in my heart for it all.

Not enough room in my heart to hold the love of God.

Isn't it beautiful to think of how he loves us? That after seeing His creations, He thought, "I can do one better than this." We are Gods masterpiece. We are His final and best work. He molded us perfectly in His sight and in His image. How can we diminish a work of a God so talented.

God made the mountains and rivers, then He made you.

He made the sunsets and rises, then He made you.

He formed colors and scents, then He created you.

Something I keep thinking about lately is that He breathed into me. That I simply don't know what it's like to live without Him, because He is a part of my bones. His spirit, His love, His beautiful nature, His creative hands, His heart. They're a part of me.

God loves you so much.

Go and love someone so much. People need that kind of Love.

Beautiful.

How beautiful is our Creator. It amazes me still to look out the window, or out the object of separation from the world He created, and stare at His glory. That we wake. That we are breathing. That breathed in me. In me.

He deserves so much and asks so little. All of heaven rejoices in one found prodigal son. In one found daughter. And still, it is difficult to hear their praises. To see the sun shining through our tinted walls. To see His creation, and take a moment in silence simply to admire.

2 Samuel 7:18
18 Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said:
"Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? 19 And as if this were not enough in your sight, O Sovereign LORD, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant. Is this your usual way of dealing with man, O Sovereign LORD ?

20 "What more can David say to you? For you know your servant, O Sovereign LORD. 21 For the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant.

22 "How great you are, O Sovereign LORD! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears. 23 And who is like your people Israel—the one nation on earth that God went out to redeem as a people for himself, and to make a name for himself, and to perform great and awesome wonders by driving out nations and their gods from before your people, whom you redeemed from Egypt? [c] 24 You have established your people Israel as your very own forever, and you, O LORD, have become their God.

25 "And now, LORD God, keep forever the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house. Do as you promised, 26 so that your name will be great forever. Then men will say, 'The LORD Almighty is God over Israel!' And the house of your servant David will be established before you.

27 "O LORD Almighty, God of Israel, you have revealed this to your servant, saying, 'I will build a house for you.' So your servant has found courage to offer you this prayer. 28 O Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. 29 Now be pleased to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever in your sight; for you, O Sovereign LORD, have spoken, and with your blessing the house of your servant will be blessed forever."

Most beautiful prayer.

Oh! How He loves us!

I've spoken of this before. But it's been on my heart lately.

What do we do when we let people know all of us? When we really allow them to see our heart? We say, I'm trusting that you can love me and my faults now. I'm giving you the choice to love me regardless of my insecurities and faults, or to leave me. I love you enough, and I want to know if you love me enough.

It is so hard to let people in. We essentially are putting our hearts in the hands of another human, and that is dangerous enough. Cause all too often people choose to leave.

Someone asked me if I have anyone I can go to with everything. Everything on my mind, everything on my heart, and someone who knows everything about me. I couldn't say yes. It's hard to admit even, because I love when people open up to me, yet I can't do the same.

All too often, God get's put down as a God of rules. What they don't realize is that out God is a God with a broken heart. Everyday He puts His whole heart in the hands of His people, and get's put off till tomorrow, ignored, rejected, and to a world where He's given everything, He's given nothing.

What good has ever come from lying, cheating, hatred, lust, jealousy, and malice? I don't believe God puts laws in our life to keep us from having fun. I think it's because He is all knowledgeable, and wants to save us from our hurtful sinful nature that He has to witness everyday.

One of the hardest books for me to read is Genesis. It's where all of the different heartbreaks happen, and they happen to the one God that does nothing but Love. God didn't put the tree of knowledge in the garden of Eden to taunt them, or to say you can have all this, except that. It was the first instant where God laid out His heart in front of them.

Genesis 3:8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"

God allowed man free will. It wasn't just the will to obey Him, but to love Him. They had broken His heart with the one thing He didn't want for them. He didn't want the sin to enter the world, and the action that Adam and Eve took all of His gifts and poisoned them.

How is that for heartbreak?

Our God is a loving God. He wants nothing more than for us to recognize it and love Him back.

I want nothing more than to warm His heart. So when you are having a trialing day, turn to God. Because there is no one in the world who understands what you're going as well as your Father.

God says "Me too."

They'll never take the good years.

Sometimes I wish I didn't analyze everything. That I could just do something because I wanted to. That I could even say the things I want to. Without any fear. That I could be selfish. That I could go after what I want. That I could actually peruse what I want. To give into my feelings and admit to them, admit that I actually have the right to feel. Feel anyway that I am.

The right to feel something...

So much of the time I feel like I'm not adequate. That I don't deserve to feel the way I do if it costs anyone

anything.

Anything at all.

I would rather bite my tongue and bite my heart than admit to something that I actually want. Because in some way I feel like I'm saving everyone. That if I'm the only one hurting, I've done my job correctly. If everyone around me is happy, and I lose, I still win.

It must be awesome to win once in a while. To get exactly what you want without feeling any unrest. But that's so unlike me. I could never go there.

I am sensible. I found that about myself with these past couple weeks. I am not impulsive in the slightest. I always think it through. Sometimes I think wrong, but I am quick to ask forgiveness.

God is my strength, He's the only reason I am able to break as much as I do and still stand. But something tells me that, along with my incredible family, God doesn't want me to live like this. I think He wants me to feel like I've won something a great deal more important.

I need rescuing. There. I said it. Now does anyone know where you can buy one of those.....

backbones.

Yeah, that's the word.

Can you hear me now?

Why is it that with all our means of contact, with all our emails, chatting, phone calls, texting and phones that include all these means to keep in touch, leave us feeling alone.

I am not speaking soley of my emotion right now. I simply was faced with this question in my American Lit class this morning.

I'm not going to tell you...... actually I want to.

People need people!

We are born for relationship building! We need to miss people, know people, and love people. We need face time!!! There is no emotion in your fingertips, and worse than that, we expect truth to come to us in a matter of seconds. Where we disect the soundless jumble of words and suck them dry until we have no relationships with our friends, but with a 3" peice of plastic.

Think about it. When you are angry with your cyber friend and you both have your texting swords out, what ends up breaking? Your "relationship" with that person, or your phone?

What happens when face time happens?
Friend1: "Hey! How are you?"
Friend2: "Hey! I'm good how are you?"
Friend1: "I'm good how are you?"
Friend2: "You just asked me that..."

It doesn't mean anything. You don't mean it, so why would they answer with their actual feelings? And forbid they should actually begin to tell you about their day, you'd have to actually have a conversation. Actually care.

I am getting a little amped up right now so I'll just leave with this.

Next time you ask someone how they're doing. And they say good. Ask why they are doing good.

Caring... It's a good habit to get into.

Love.

Today, is the purest representation of Love that there is. It breaks down everything we've ever come to know. Those of you who have witnessed the sacrifice of one life for another has tasted this Love. A Love so besides itself, with one purpose, to save.

The love of the earth is hurtful, selfish, and boastful. It takes and gives nothing to fulfill it's lust and satisfy the hunger put deep inside from the one who lies.

But.

The Love of the world is pure. It is righteous and alive. It is in the smile of a child, the hands of the mission, and eyes of a new Father. Love has not fled this earth. It does not require relentless searching. For it is all around and all are capable.

I heard something that made me very sad in my American Lit class. Walt Whitman had a dream much like the ideal world. Where there was nothing but Love and understanding. Peace and Patience. Smiles and what everyone else called, ignorance. So many were ready to argue that the world will, and can never be the way Whitman wishes. That as humans, we are incapable of replacing our malice and hatred with Love.

Why not try?